I don't know why, but I was thinking about what few regrets I do have in my past, and I thought of an old friend. R was an rather peculiar boy, very intelligent but a bit socially stunted due to his parents' controlling nature. One story comes to mind that he wanted attend a community baseball game that he would often see across the street, so he snuck out one night; his parents then installed an alarm on his windows. They almost never let him go anywhere unattended. He had a second adopted brother who was more the outgoing, small town boy, being mechanically inclined and eventually joining the national guard.
For their part, the parents were hard working townspeople. They were involved with the church and the community. Very nice people that I stop in to see every few years when I'm driving through the town. It can only be assumed that they could not have children of their own and adopted the two boys as a fulfillment of God's and their own desires for family. I describe them because I don't think they are bad people, or even bad parents, even if I think they were a bit heavy handed during the later years of R's youth.
Anyways, they took a good liking to me and encouraged R's friendship with me. They knew my family, being relatively wholesome, and wanted the influence to rub off on R. This was also a good thing for R, as he got to socialize and do activities he wasn't normally allowed to do. With me he was allowed to do sleepovers, paintball, wargaming, RPG's and exploring my family's property (a good 200 or so acres).
Looking back, I think that this was something R needed desperately in his life. Being constantly monitored and under the control of a passive church family left him little room to channel his masculinity. While I was free, more or less, with the trust of my family to go where I would, R found himself stuck like a hothouse plant that had long overgrown his container. I remember my last days at home before moving to college when I revisited the woods of my youth, walking every single pond and large rock, marking every ramshackle structure my brothers and I helped to build and burying my hands in the soft rock and mud of the creek simply to feel the land and connect to it. I knew at the time that I would probably never return to those happy places as the same person, but it helped me process that I would be leaving what was comfortable to me and becoming my own person.
I don't think R ever had such opportunities to create experiences for his own. I imagine that his early life was ripped from him by the foster care system and after his adoption he was shepherded from one constructed experience to another, school, church, home and repeat. It's understandable that he grew inwards. After high school he went to a smaller state college with the goal of becoming a Masters in Librarian studies. I think he would have made an excellent librarian or records keeper with his love for books and order.
We didn't talk much after high school, perhaps once every few months. When we did, he would confide in me things that he would never tell his parents. He was using alcohol (underage) in social settings, and had experimented with drugs. He had joined a fraternity where he was participating in risky group behavior. It seemed to me that he was trying to be the part of a group that would accept him, but it was causing him to make some sub-par life choices. During our talks I would remain non-judgemental, but remind him that life is about finding your personal fulfillment and that these kinds of activities usually don't provide that.
He ended up marrying a girl he met from the campus, a rather large specimen. I can't imagine what game she was playing, but I'm sure R just took the first girl who took interest in him. He eventually joined the army and after home, then found that she had been cheating. One thing led to another and while he was out she downloaded a sizable amount of child porn onto his computer and "reported him" to the authorities. It eventually got dismissed, but the resulting divorce led to his life completely spiraling out of control. During army training in GA, he went AWOL. Last I knew he was piddling around our old state taking odd jobs and scraping by.
I have "regrets" because I feel a little like I could have prevented what happened to R if I or someone else could have been a more positive influence on him. It's certainly not something I beat myself up over, but I do wonder how he would have turned out if he hadn't made the choices he did.
Having fully reflected up on my story, I find myself longing for some masculine influence myself. Since I've gotten married I very rarely get "alone time", and almost never with other people without the wife. While my wife is my best friend, we've both noticed that I tease her as part of my nature, which causes her some distress. For me, this is just playful communication, but I am coming to realize that this is the kind of communication that I would be doing with a man, were there any I would spend time with.
With that in mind, I should resolve to make a conscious effort to spend time with other men, preferably positive ones like my brothers!
Friday, April 29, 2016
Monday, April 18, 2016
Foreign Perpsective
This store is known in our household as "the Magic-Kettle store".
It is primarily known for its ability to print pictures to send back home to family and for stocking Raffaello chocolate.
It is primarily known for its ability to print pictures to send back home to family and for stocking Raffaello chocolate.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
A Post About Rape
Last night as we were settling into bed, M asked me what "stalking" was. I looked over to find her perusing a brochure about sexual harassment that had been printed by an office of the college she attends. After explaining what stalking is, I asked her where she had gotten this document.
M: Oh, some people were handing them out and asked me some questions like, am I a victim of rape?
E: Well, that's kind of odd, what did you say?
M: That I'm raped every night by someone strong and powerful. (purrs a little)
E: And did they take you seriously?
M: Oh yes, and I told them it was my husband, and that if he didn't rape me I would rape him!
After explaining to her that such people standing at booths handing out such materials were usually liberal (read: humorless and close-minded) about these things, we got into a discussion about rape. The gist that I got out of our conversation was as follows:
If a girl is 'with' a man, such as on a date or otherwise in a setting on a more personal basis, it is expected that, if he should take initiative, sex can happen. A girl may try to resist, but if she does and fails to resist him, it is largely her fault for putting herself into such proximity and relation to that man. She then has a choice to continue associating with him, or perhaps to seek a third party if she has a serious beef against the guy. This third party is usually a family member (father, uncle, etc). Essentially, being "raped" like this is your own fault and everybody knows it.
Now, if you're wondering how this applies to you, I can assure you that you should not try to have your way with any girl you might happen to date in Ukraine or Russia, if for no other reason that that Dad / Uncle are pretty scary dudes! What I can say is that inside the context of our marriage, I don't have to worry that being forward with adult activities will be interpreted as an assault. What a relief that I don't have to worry about what so many of my countrymen have to!
Furthermore, a quotable quote from M that I got last night in the same vein as Boris and Natasha:
"When I was [very young], I wasn't wanting to [have intimate relations] with a boy who had pimples on his face, I wanted someone almost 30, someone who had hair on his..."
You can guess.
M: Oh, some people were handing them out and asked me some questions like, am I a victim of rape?
E: Well, that's kind of odd, what did you say?
M: That I'm raped every night by someone strong and powerful. (purrs a little)
E: And did they take you seriously?
M: Oh yes, and I told them it was my husband, and that if he didn't rape me I would rape him!
After explaining to her that such people standing at booths handing out such materials were usually liberal (read: humorless and close-minded) about these things, we got into a discussion about rape. The gist that I got out of our conversation was as follows:
If a girl is 'with' a man, such as on a date or otherwise in a setting on a more personal basis, it is expected that, if he should take initiative, sex can happen. A girl may try to resist, but if she does and fails to resist him, it is largely her fault for putting herself into such proximity and relation to that man. She then has a choice to continue associating with him, or perhaps to seek a third party if she has a serious beef against the guy. This third party is usually a family member (father, uncle, etc). Essentially, being "raped" like this is your own fault and everybody knows it.
Now, if you're wondering how this applies to you, I can assure you that you should not try to have your way with any girl you might happen to date in Ukraine or Russia, if for no other reason that that Dad / Uncle are pretty scary dudes! What I can say is that inside the context of our marriage, I don't have to worry that being forward with adult activities will be interpreted as an assault. What a relief that I don't have to worry about what so many of my countrymen have to!
Furthermore, a quotable quote from M that I got last night in the same vein as Boris and Natasha:
"When I was [very young], I wasn't wanting to [have intimate relations] with a boy who had pimples on his face, I wanted someone almost 30, someone who had hair on his..."
You can guess.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Trying out Tennis
As part of our loose commitment to a healthier lifestyle, M and I finally got around to using the tennis courts across from our apartment. We purchased our racquets (she pronounces them "rockets" even tough I try to correct her) earlier that evening. There are 8 courts with night lighting open to the public and only two were being used when we went over.
M had reservations about going. She had played badminton in highschool and liked it, but with the high winds lately I knew the birdie would fly away. Tennis seemed the next logical choice, especially with the courts only a clear 100m walk away, but the prospect of taking a tennis ball to the face was not appealing.
We played on one side of the court for a while. I hadn't played since middle school more than 10 years ago, but I picked it back up quickly. We moved to using the full court and the net after about half an hour. M is more comfortable (and proficient) at serving overhand, while I would serve underhand to make it easier for her to connect. We didn't play with traditional rules, of course, and simply tried to see how many times we could consecutively pass the ball between us. We quit sometime after dark and called it a success.
This morning she was rather stiff and I chuckled at her misfortune. She probably hasn't exercised so much in years if you don't count treadmills and visits to the pool. Karma bit me a little later that day, as I noticed my back and legs are starting to ache. I'll stretch out properly after I get home tonight.
M had reservations about going. She had played badminton in highschool and liked it, but with the high winds lately I knew the birdie would fly away. Tennis seemed the next logical choice, especially with the courts only a clear 100m walk away, but the prospect of taking a tennis ball to the face was not appealing.
We played on one side of the court for a while. I hadn't played since middle school more than 10 years ago, but I picked it back up quickly. We moved to using the full court and the net after about half an hour. M is more comfortable (and proficient) at serving overhand, while I would serve underhand to make it easier for her to connect. We didn't play with traditional rules, of course, and simply tried to see how many times we could consecutively pass the ball between us. We quit sometime after dark and called it a success.
This morning she was rather stiff and I chuckled at her misfortune. She probably hasn't exercised so much in years if you don't count treadmills and visits to the pool. Karma bit me a little later that day, as I noticed my back and legs are starting to ache. I'll stretch out properly after I get home tonight.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Welcome and First Post
Hello to everyone. I'm E, and this blog is going to be centered around happenings in my life with my beautiful spouse, M. As you may guess from the blog title, my wife hails from the far-off land of Ukraine, making this relationship consistently interesting. I am launching this blog for several different reasons:
The main thing that matters is that I keep challenging myself and enjoying my life, and right now that's being with M. There's going to be light topics, heavy topics, and probably some boring stuff, but hopefully it will all be genuine, both from me and from her.
- I enjoy writing
- Communication with other men before I went to Ukraine to find my bride was invaluable and I want to share with other men who are looking at this alternative to Western women
- Possibly start a brand for ourselves
- Laying my ideas on paper for self-review
- Accountability for life-goals
The main thing that matters is that I keep challenging myself and enjoying my life, and right now that's being with M. There's going to be light topics, heavy topics, and probably some boring stuff, but hopefully it will all be genuine, both from me and from her.
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